1. Companion
I wasn't gonna get dinner alone. That's just too sad.
Practically every non-vegetarian/vegan friend who knew about the gift card wanted me to share it with them, but really, there was only person I considered. Julie is one of my oldest friends (dating back to the days of ol' St. Augustine), and she really loves crappy food.
On our very first visit (of about 100) to Walt Disney World, we brought a tape recorder and reviewed the eatery at The Land in EPCOT Center (I'm aware of the dorkiness of this sentence). I can only remember one part from that long-lost tape, when Julie complained, "Not enough variety," even though there were about... I don't remember, a half-dozen, dozen different food stations.
So Julie wins.
2. Location
Non-New Yorkers might be surprised to hear there aren't many Applebee's in the city. I think there's just one in Manhattan, in Times Square (right near my work, in fact), but it's swarming with tourists and is probably overpriced. And I'm sure there are a number of 'em out in Brooklyn or Queens, but, seriously, chain restaurants aren't that easy to find in the city.
Fortunately for me, they recently opened an Applebee's within walking distance of my apartment. Like, maybe five minutes. It's a sign from the heavens that this was supposed to happen. "Eatin' good in your neighborhood," indeed. I'm pretty sure that's the slogan.
3. Appetizer: The Ultimate Trio
I let Julie take the reins on ordering, to be honest. And she was psyched.
We decided on getting an appetizer, and not just any appetizer, but THE ULTIMATE TRIO. This was pretty smart. We'd get to pick three from the following list: Dynamite Shrimp, Mini Chicken Sandwiches, Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Steak Quesadilla Towers, Boneless Buffalo Wings, Mozzarella Sticks, Mini Bacon Cheeseburgers.
This is the official Applebee's pic of the Ultimate Trio:
We went with the Dynamite Shrimp (my pick), the Honey BBQ-flavored Boneless Buffalo Wings (Julie's pick), and the Spinach and Artichoke Dip (mutual pick).
It looked like this (pardon my blurry camera-phone):
I had low expectations for the Boneless Buffalo Wings, but they were pretty good. They reminded me of stuff you'd get at Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is one of my favorite fast food places.
And the Dynamite Shrimp, well, it's also like fast food fried shrimp. It could be described as "spicy-flavored." Not actually spicy, but spicy-flavored. I would've liked more, but this was just an appetizer.
My one complaint was with the dip. In the words of Larry Tree, "What a rip-off!" There were about six chips. Six chips is a travesty. And no one wants to eat dip off a spoon or something. I ended up dipping my Dynamite Shrimp, but spinach/artichoke/cheese does not complement spicy flavoring.
It makes me sad that I am so into shows like Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen, and yet the previous sentence betrays my unsophisticated palate.
4. Entree: Riblets and Chicken Fingers
We wisely didn't order the entree until after eating the Ultimate Trio - that way, we could fill any cravings that hadn't been satisfied by the chicken/shrimp/dip combo. Somehow, this meant we'd order more chicken in the form of fingers (Julie's choice, which I disagree with - chicken fingers, to me, are the last resort of food at any restaurant unless you're a baby) and riblets.
Riblets, sure, because it's Applebee's, and this is one of their signature dishes or something, so we might as well, right?
This is the official version of Riblets (no chicken fingers pictured, and, only in this photograph was there a side of beans):
This is what we got:
We also got this, which Julie loved and brought home for her boyfriend (it's a wetnap that has "Riblets" written on the wrapper):
OK, I'll just say riblets suck. You'd think something named "riblets" would be either a) boneless or b) like little mini-ribs, but they're not. They have this long, flat shoehorn of bone in them, so it's just as annoying as eating ribs, only without the satisfying amount of meat.
I really hated the riblets. It's like, why make food more difficult to eat? What kind of bone was this? Isn't this just processed meat? People like these things? I am legitimately angry about the riblets and should stop writing about them, because I'd just be restating my hatred in different ways.
The chicken fingers were fine.
5. Dessert: Blue Ribbon Brownie
Both of us were pretty full after the entree (and we had seriously considered just getting a second Ultimate Trio, with different choices), but we had to plough ahead with dessert.
This was not my choice, as I had a pan full of vegan brownies about five minutes away, but Julie was not interested in the weird and cheap dessert shooters they had (imagine a shooter full of cheesecake, for example), and she insisted on the brownie.
Official brownie:
Actual brownie:
Now you can't really eff up a brownie. Especially if it comes with ice cream and all sorts of chocolate sauce and crap on it. Even though I was reluctant to like it, I did, and ended up eating more than Julie.
6. Conclusion
Would I eat there again? Sure, if circumstance brought me to the restaurant. Year of Yes and all that.
Would I go there on my own again? Almost definitely not. If I was really hungry in my neighborhood, I'd either go buy a can of soup (a two-minute walk from my house) or go to Subway (about five minutes away).
Do I like Applebee's? I don't dislike it.
Did I have fun? Yeah.
Did I want the wetnap? A little.
And Gordon Ramsay, if you're reading this... please forgive me.
2 comments:
"What kind of bone was this? Isn't this just processed meat? People like these things? I am legitimately angry about the riblets and should stop writing about them, because I'd just be restating my hatred in different ways."
Funniest passage in "Year of Yes" so far.
I'm particularly fond of "What kind of bone was this?"
That's just such a repulsive question to find yourself in the position of asking.
when you say im your oldest friend, i think its funny to imagine i am a senior citizen. and you took me along to get an extra discount.
you failed to mention our server's name was icee. or icie. or icy.
i dont think she was big on our "order from the menu throughout the evening" tactic. i think thats unheard of at applebees. atleast my family never did this growing up. maybe yours did. maybe wanda sykes did.
riblet:
the mysterious bones resembled gigantic flat toenails. finding the bone in the riblet's meat nest really was like unearthing a fossil - in a children's science museum demonstartion sort of way. we didnt know how to eat the riblets. i was under the impression we would use our hands, like we with the chicken finger. instead we had to use a fork and knife. confusion. really, i want to puke thinking about riblets.
the riblet wetnap was a pretty great souvinir (sp?). stu displays it proudly on his desk at work.
a side note about chicken fingers, i dont know why servers always default to a dipping sauce of honey mustard instead of barbecue sauce, as icy did. i prefer both, but if i had to choose one, it would always be barbecue sauce. if i got to choose three, i would also pick sour cream. try it with the bbq sauce - i swear its delicious.
in the end, the meal was a success. surprisingly i didnt feel disgusting after eating all that crap.
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